Singles & Sexuality

By Pastor Ben KC Lee

Today Christians are expected to remain chaste for a longer period of time than any generation that has preceded us. People are not married during the years when hormones are hardest to control. 

Christians are taught to abstain from sex till marriage. So courting couples kiss all over but claim virgin status. Some consider mutual masturbation as not breaching virginity. They think they can be sexually active and still be ‘virgin’. Their questions are asked in terms of “is X a sin?” or “is Y permissible?” They breach healthy boundaries thinking that only intercourse is sex.

Most make it through school with their ‘virginity’ intact. But many start having sexual intercourse with their boyfriend or girlfriend in their 20s.

Single adults do desire to reconcile their faith and sexual desires. Singles tell us their conflicted feelings when it comes to their faith and sexuality. But abstinence messages are often geared toward teenagers. And churches and homes do not discuss sexuality. Just wait for marriage. But what if I don’t get married? As Christians go into their 20s and 30s, it seems natural to reevaluate beliefs as they work out how faith integrates into their expanding worldview.

Abstinence is incredibly difficult and it is a decision we proactively make every day. Using scientific evidence that married sex is more satisfying than sex outside marriage is an inadequate argument for a sexual ethic.

We need a more holistic and nuanced discussion. Living a life of holiness is a good place to start. But how does this actually look like as we mature and enter the real world whilst still a single?

We need holistic conversations on sexuality in church and in homes. This is not about what is OK and how far it is possible to go without sinning, but about honouring God in all things. The goal is not simply to avoid sin but to live a life of worship. Guidance must go beyond “what can I get away with and still be a virgin?’ Instead, we must ask, “What must I do to become what I was intended to be?”

There needs to be a discussion of the God of grace for those who have sinned in the past. There will be consequences we will have to deal with from past actions, but it is important to remember that those things do not define who we are. Instead we can start over again, living a life of holiness together with accountability partners.

We need to live out gender and sexuality in non-genital ways. The experience of sexual desire is often triggered by other subconscious needs such as the need for intimacy, identity and self-acceptance. Let’s learn to differentiate between genital desire and emotional needs. Ultimately it is intimacy and non-genital sexual activity that is essential for human mental health and emotional maturation. We can live without sex, but not without intimacy.

Marriage came to be strongly preferred over singleness in the evangelical church. Many have even embraced an idolatry of family to the extent that replaces Christian community as the focus of the church. Over time people perceive that the married state is the normative and therefore many reject single hood.

The Old Testament emphasises the extended family. But the New Testament emphasises the family of the church. Jesus and Paul were both single. Also, there is no marriage in eternity. Congregations and families must affirm singlehood and singles. We should encourage multi-generational small groups and mentoring. It is harder for singles to invite a family over for dinner but easier for families to include singles in their world. When families interact with singles, they share life and burdens too.

Some Christians including same-sex attracted Christians might remain single for life. But all of us go through seasons of singleness. With authentic Christian community, Christian singles can indeed live strong in a sexualised world.

First published: Methodist Message Vol. 117, No 8, August 2015 in Singapore. 

Pastor Ben and his wife Dinah serves as Regional Pastor (North America) with Hope International Ministries. Pastor Ben is also pioneering sexual wholeness in

Singapore and in doing so, he coaches pastors and equips congregations in taking an integrated approach to sexuality.

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Ps Brendan Kirby

Brendan and Helen Kirby are the founding pastors of Hope Church in Adelaide. Brendan became a Christian in 1984, and joined Hope Melbourne in 1991. In the 80’s Brendan trained in physics at The University Of Melbourne, and graduated with a PhD in 1989. Since then he has worked as a post doctoral fellow and research scientist for about 23 years in various government research organizations. He married Helen in 1994, and in early 1998 they moved to Adelaide plant the Hope Church together while they both were working. He resigned his job as a research scientist for the Australian Defence in 2012 to work full time as a pastor.  Brendan is passionate about building and planting churches, and oversees churches in Perth, West Africa, Central Africa and India.

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Ps Lance & Belle were married in 2006 while pioneering Hope Church Gold Coast. As time went on they began to also become more and more involved helping with other churches in Australia and missional work (especially in Africa). In late 2018, they both took a leap of faith and relocated to Southern Africa to help churches in that region to become more fruitful in discipleship and the multiplication of churches. They are currently serving over 180 churches in Southern and Eastern Africa as well as churches in Gold Coast, New South Wales and ACT (Australia). Lance and Belle are passionate about pioneering community empowerment and social justice projects for the poorest of the poor. The family is also blessed with two beautiful children, Michael and Hadessah.

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Pastor Simon Eng is a Civil Engineer by training. He has been ministering for over 30 years. His experiences include pioneering Hope Kuching, mentoring leaders and pastors, and ministering in cross-cultural Regional Conferences. Pastor Simon is married to Pastor Lai Eng and they have 3 wonderful children, who are active in their faith as well. Pastor Simon is currently serving as the Senior Pastor of Hope Kuala Lumpur and an Elder in Hope International Ministries. He loves to build God’s people and travels extensively to minister and care for God’s churches.

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